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What have I become?

Addiction is real
Addiction is real

We’ve just been sitting around in this hotel room smoking incense, snorting Adderall and Ritalin to go to work. Pretty sure my roommate is getting laid behind me. Woo. I’ve been working pretty much every day installing tile into bathrooms at schools and stuff, it is not too bad and I work for my roommate.

I’ve got a story to tell you guys today. I do not think I have shared this with anyone online before, but this is 100% true and will give you a little insight into my life over the last year. So it all started February of 2013, I was staying at my mom’s house tripping on Delsyn and CCCs daily trying to kill myself after a nasty breakup. She found ~20 empty boxes on top of our bathroom cabinet and freaked out.

This is when rehab number 1 came into play. I went to a certain rehab in waky Waco, Texas that my biological father happens to be the manager of. I wanted to leave after about 10 days but was convinced to stay, and honestly it wasn’t all that bad. Everyone there was super nice and I was able to connect with people through drugs. I took bars and subs while I was there for about a week. I also had some trazzys which I was allergic to apparently and I had horrible hiccups. I graduated there after 28 days, and moved back to my aunt and uncle’s house to stay with them and my cousins.

I stole CCCs on the ride home…yeah. I tripped every night for about 6 days then I think I went too far and one night I couldn’t piss and when I tried to shit all that came out was blood! I was terrified, and when I looked in the mirror there was blood coming from my eyes! I freaked out and went upstairs to tell my uncle to take me to the hospital as I was overdosing on CCCs. He went and looked in the toilet to verify it was true then drove me. The entire drive over I thought I was dying so I called all my friends and left messages and stuff and I called my ex and cried telling her I loved her and I was sorry for this. I called my family and cried too it was intense…. When I got to the hospital, all they did was shoot me up with 2 shots then close the curtain leaving me by myself in a corner room. Next thing I know, this old African American security guy comes and sits down on the stool in the corner. I honestly thought I had been left to die. I asked the man to hand me my backpack and got out my phone and headphones. I chose Gramatik to be the last music I would ever hear, literally accepting my approaching (or so I thought) death. It was beautiful, slipping into a deep benzo and dissociative induced sleep.

What if nothing
What if nothing

I woke up the next day in the psych ward, but I only remember about 20 minutes there, they starting giving me regular Thorazine shots. I was a walking zombie and do not remember anything for over 4 days. When I finally came too I was with my mom in the car leaving heading to my next rehab. This one was REALLY nice. La Hacienda in Hunt, Texas. It was like a 5 star summer camp of rehabs, I had really good private insurance. Now I should mention, before coming to LaHa, I had never injected anything, never touched meth, or heroin, and had never even considered it. My DOCs are all psychedelics and dissociative, empathogens or prescription stimulants. But there I heard so many addicts talk about how amazing they thought meth or heroin was and how much better shooting it up was. Well I had a way to get syringes, as I am a type 1 diabetic. I would get my syringe of insulin from the nurse then just squirt the insulin out into the trash and wash it out then sell it to people. I also used one to inject half a bar. 26 days in my friend asked me if I wanted to hop the fence and go into town to get drugs and I was so down. We got a bunch of people to thrown down money and ended up with about $100. We jumped over a fence in the back of camp and hitchhiked 15 miles into the nearest town. We stopped at HEB first and got a bottle of delsyn each, then drank them right when we got outside. We decided we had gotten our high we should just get a ride back and forget about the search. Next we rounded the corner and asked this guy we saw for a ride back to LaHa. He asked, “Haha, what are you doing out here, trying to score…?” I told him, “Yeah…kinda haha.” He offered us “ice cream” and when we said sure he said to go wait inside with his sister he would go pick it up and bring it back to sell to us! We went inside and she had some new blend of incense and neither of us had smoked in a month. It was magical, getting high after a long tolerance break always is! He showed back up with the meth and they gave us a ride back to the rehab, smoking us out with 2 blunts of incense along the way. At this point we were both already pretty sloppy from the delsyn and incense combo and we had to climb a hill to get back to the rehab. Once we got to the top we were immediately stopped by our friend, “THEY KNOW YOU WERE GONE, GIVE ME WHATEVER YOU GOT NOW!”

We panicked and gave him the bag of meth, but we had each taken bumps on the hill. A few seconds later the places nurse showed up and told both of us to come with her now. They immediately drug tested us both and we were tripping on dxm pretty hard at this point. I failed for benzo’s and speed, he failed for speed. They put us in a room with a TV and sandwiches and we got to watch as they drug tested EVERY single person at the facility (around 80 people). Eventually the other guys who had done the meth we snuck in started to show up. One had shot about a 40 sack and one had smoked a bunch of foil but had the rest hidden in his ass…2 other girls failed for heroin but we didn’t know about that. The next day we were infamous. Everyone knew we had gotten super fu**ed up and we were still there…but the high could not last. My mom showed up for family week, only to be told I was being kicked out. To make things worse, the night before me and all the fu**ed up people made a plan to live in a motel and go to Austin eventually. I left my mom standing in my former counselor’s office to live with 4 heroin addicts.

The first night in the motel was pretty awesome. We drove to San Antonio and picked up $300 of heroin and $300 of meth. We also got 10 rigs. Everyone prepped their shots and I convinced them to give me like .125 of the tar for my first shot ever. I immediately felt it. I felt myself slipping and said, “help…” They got me with a .2 shot of meth and I was right back up. Felt AMAZING! But I will say, if you haven’t ever used a needle, don’t. It isn’t worth the cravings and urges it comes with. One of my friends shot about a gram and a half of meth and was walking around picking for shards mumbling to himself for 4 hours. We all binged for about 6 days, I tripped on a lot of CCCs, smoked some incense, huffed air duster, and shot heroin and meth. At this point everyone is sick of each other and we’re all strung out and feeling shitty and pissed off. We decide to drive to San Antonio but we stop to drop this guy off at work first. I went inside to use the restroom and when I came out they were gone…just ditched me. I had no phone, none of my stuff, nothing. I had to ask some random woman to use her phone and she ended up giving me a ride to the nearest rehab. They couldn’t accept me because one of the girls that I was binging in the motel with was there already. I ended up having to ride a bus back to the rehab in Waco to detox. After 4 days I was sent to another rehab.

After 4 days in this place I had already stolen 4 rigs and shot kpins, bars, and suboxone. Someone ratted me out and when I got caught I was kicked out. While walking around the town with my bags, one of the staff members from the rehab recognized me and pulled over. She had both her kids and a pastor from a Hispanic Pentecostal church. They both prayed over me and hoped that my life would get back on track, asking me if I really wanted help. I told them yes and they put me up in a motel 6, bought me dinner, and told me they would be back in the morning. That night I took another 5 oz. delsyn and the night morning I was still pretty sloppy. I left the hotel before they showed up thinking they had forgotten about me. After walking like 5 miles random directions who pulls over next to me but the very same family…It was mother’s day and they were headed to pick me up and go to church! I got in the van still kind of tripping and went with them. At the church I was so overwhelmed. The service was almost 5 hours long and her son had to translate it for me the whole time. Then there was a big lunch set up and after that the pastor called and arranged a meeting with my mom. I met up with her and then moved to Austin to live in a sober house but got kicked out in 1 day so I was homeless in Austin for a week…

This led up to the 4th and final rehab I went to. I just spent 8 days in jail cause I needed to just rethink everything, I saw this girl destroy her life for a crack rock. We met in rehab and she was a pretty innocent girl who had shot heroin a little and got caught, so she wanted to get sober for her daughter, who is 2. She was beautiful, honestly one of the most beautiful women I have ever seen, and we got into a rehab relationship. The rehab was constantly giving us shit for being together too much and enforced a “10 foot rule on us” And she manipulated me by telling me we were just gonna leave rehab with her mom picking us up and it was cool, that her mom knew and would get us on Tuesday, but I kept asking her why it seemed like they didn’t know when they came for visitation the sunday before, and she said “I promise you my mom knows, why do you keep questioning me! She likes you a lot!” and I let her talk me into getting high and getting picked up the next day. We left on a sunday did DXM together the first night and connected on a whole nother level. Then the next day I stood helpless and watched a poor innocent girl do terrible things like whore herself out on / for crack with nothing I could do for she said “fine just leave” and I was on too many CCCs to help her…, so I didn’t. I waited, and she woke up after crashing and was so afraid. She couldn’t remember everything that had happened but said it felt like a dream and she started crying and swore to never touch drugs again and then went home with her mom. She told me she was so glad I was there and that she loved me for saving her life and not abandoning her when she was alone out there…She was glad I saved her from being a junkie whore forever. She cried in my arms for the next 3 hours while I comforted her and waited for her mom to pick her up. But guess what, her mom sped off when she saw me. F**KING BITCH NEVER TOLD HER MOM I WAS COMING TOO JUST LIKE I THOUGHT. Mind. Blown. Girls will do a lot just to get high, be careful guys :

Went to rehab, graduated, overdosed on CCCs, went to better rehab, jumped fence got delsym and meth got caught and shot up heroin and meth for the first time. Went to another rehab got kicked out and went to a Hispanic Pentecostal church, then moved to austin, was homeless, went to another rehab, left with a girl, smoked crack while on CCCs, got ditched. Went to jail on purpose to clean up.

Written by: eBanta

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